It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
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I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone