Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.