If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
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If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant