When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
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Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I falcon love using swear birds
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.