I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
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[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
me as a parent
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.