How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
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[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?