A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
They also CAN sing✌️
*orders delivery*
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.