We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
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I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
scares
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
can I use a minion as a tampon
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.