When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
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I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.