I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
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You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs