POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
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Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
favorite tropes as memes
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant