Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
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How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
me before I type out affect or effect
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
car not found
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.