I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
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T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending