[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
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The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
man: wait
time: no
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations