Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
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Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
yeah no that’s fair
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again