Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
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I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
A choir of Spring onions
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
#damn
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.