Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
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Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
new year update: losing everything but weight
me working on my assignments ^-^
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.