Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
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Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”