Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
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My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
reviewed some movies recently
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)