Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
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Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Cool shirt 🙂
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.