Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
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[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.