[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
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teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.