My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
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Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁