How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
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I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Easy enough.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher