How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
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[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War