Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.