Boom, boom, ching!
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I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.