“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
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Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”