The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
You Might Also Like
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.