Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
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Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi: