[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
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My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers