“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
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Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
What
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.