told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
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[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE