Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
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If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.