In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
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Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.