WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
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Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭