*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
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My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Best table by far
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I hope they boil the right one.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.