[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
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I get distracted pretty eas
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Great Canadian literature.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.