“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
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I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Hot Hot Hot
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.