Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
You Might Also Like
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.