Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
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Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
🤣🤣🤣
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
early stone age tool
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*