Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
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Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
the red hot silly peppers
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”