The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
You Might Also Like
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”