It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
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What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST