Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
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My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.