The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
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Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
motivation
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.