China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
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i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
this is uni
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”