Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
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My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.