There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
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[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again