There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
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There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
#Caturday